Frustration

Frustration

- Melissa Dallago

We all know the saying, "if it doesn't kill you it makes you stronger."  There is some truth to that sentiment.  After all of the experiences I have had, some good, some bad, and all of them interesting, I am made of steel.  Well, parts of me are, but the majority of me is still very, very squishy and easily prone to injury.  I find that I get easily frustrated with the mendacity and mediocrity that surrounds me in my journey through life.  I also know the saying that, "life is what you make of it."  Life is mundane, repetitive, grinding and trivial at times.  It is those shining moments of epiphany that makes life interesting and keep us playing the game.  However, of late, those shining moments have been in the decline for me.  I have had a long-term drought of those moments, and my soul is crying out for them.

We all experience these droughts.  We plant our seeds, harvest the bounty, and then must let our fields lie dormant and fallow.  This helps to harvest a more bountiful crop during the next planting.  I know this instinctively, but that does not make it any easier for me.  I have had enough trauma in my life.  I am screaming at the top of my lungs and no one hears me.  I get frustrated with the idiocy of those around me, and the selfishness they exhibit.  But when I begin to feel that way, I am just as selfish as they are.  I am no different, but in ways I am, because I am more attuned to myself and those around me more than most.  When is it going to be my turn?

I know I am not alone in these sentiments.  We all have our highs and lows.  We all earn wounds, some self-inflicted, and others through no fault of our own.  Those wounds turn into scars and thicken our hides.  Our naivety and innocence are stripped away with each passing year.  We become just a little more jaded and get pushed further down the road to bitterness with each painful experience or major disappointment.  We begin to doubt the goodness of man.  We begin to think that it is all so trivial and meaningless.  

I know there is goodness, and I hope to once again see the joy and beauty of life.  Unfortunately, hope doesn't float much for me right now.  I'm sure in time things will improve.  Again, we've all been there before.  Some of us have been lucky and gotten out of the muck.  Others have chosen to stay, as they like the view.  I flip flop back and forth.  I look up at all the people who are laughing, smiling and enjoying the party.  Then I look down around me and see the sadness.  Sure its sadness, but its nice and quiet here, and the muck is warm.  If I do try to lift myself up out of the mire and join the party, I feel that there is someone up there, a bouncer if you will, saying my name isn't on the list and I cannot enter the club.  So I go back down to my pit and sulk.  Maybe next time.  So yes, when am I going to be allowed to enter the party and have the time of my life.  I guess I’ll either wait until my name is on the list or devise an escape plan to get out of here.  

Therein lies my frustration.