Close to the Veil - Melissa Dallago

So what is this thing that we call life?  What does it all mean?  Why do we keep going about our day to day lives as if it all actually meant something?  In fact, does it really mean anything, or is it simply a fallacy and a shame?  Is it all just smoke and mirrors?  Is anything in this realm real? 

For the last eight months I have been questioning my very existence.  I have been so close to the veil that I have glimpsed the other side.  My father’s passing opened my eyes to that, but then after things settled and you still hear nothing you begin to wonder if there is an “afterlife”.  Alternatively, there may be an “afterlife,” but what does it all mean for those of us who are left behind?  Does this day to day mendacity really amount to anything?  Is all the torment and suffering that we experience really worth it?  How does that suffering really pay off and make life worth it?  Do we truly learn anything from it, or is it all for nothing?

I have experienced varying stages of loss throughout my life.  The loss of a relationship, the loss of a pet, the loss of a precious object, a job, etc., however those losses are far less meaningful than the loss of a parent!  I lost my grandparents at 15 and 22 respectively, and while their passing hurt and altered my life, I was too young to truly understand and appreciate the full magnitude of what a death really means.  Losing a parent truly rips the veil, and whatever other defense mechanisms you have away, and leaves you naked and so very vulnerable. 

I have been looking back over my life and trying to learn what it all really means.  Of late, I have wanted nothing more than to give up and stay in my cave and let the world and life walk on by.  I questions what it means, and if it is really worth it, if all we experience at the end of our lives is sickness, pain, and ultimately death, and with that death there is nothing else.  So truly, if it all ends that way, then why bother in giving a damn and trying to find happiness since it all goes away in the end! 

The one life lesson that has been repeatedly driven home is the fact that everything can change in the blink of an eye.  In one moment all that you have known and depended on for a time in your life is swept away.  It can be something as simple as a look from a partner or as complicated as a life changing accident or illness.  It is as if in that one moment a tornado, hurricane, earthquake, volcano all chose that time to wreck your world and you are left standing amidst the ruins.  I have experienced several of those moments, and each one is a scar that is etched across my heart and soul.  After each of those moments, I have become more jaded, more cynical, and less forgiving of the realities of life.

 

I try not to play the victim, as I know I am a fighter and capable of surviving anything, like a cockroach, but I become so very frustrated and angry at the powers that be, humanity, fate, the universe, and just life in general.  I scream at top of  my lungs, and rail against the inconsideration of the wheels of fate and life, but no one and nothing can hear me.  I feel so very alone, tormented, and afraid.  My emotions become too much for me to handle, my former passion and love of life dwindle, and I am a shell, an echo of myself.  I am an amorphous vapor, a shadow, something and someone that is only living a half-life.  

Every day, every moment, I ask what does it all mean, is it worth it, and will I ever be able to feel “human” again.  Most importantly, I question my past and what lessons I have learned.  What has the death of my father taught me?  It is in the asking of that question, that the healing process can begin.  It is painful, I continue to rail, I continue to rage, but I am beginning to feel emotions again, and I am trying to process my lessons.  In the end, life is a marathon, but there is no finish line that you cross.  It is a long and painful road, but there are shreds of joy and happiness, and there are places of respite for reflection.  I am, I think, at one of the pauses on that road, where I need to reflect on what I have learned, and what it all means.  My father’s death has changed me forever, and it is now time to learn how.