Friday, March 29, 2013

Mountains Out of Mole Hills


Mountains Out of Mole Hills

For many years, I was extremely talented in making mountains out of mole hills.  In fact, my Mom would always tease me and say that I was making too much of an issue out of something that really wasn't that big of one.  I would always sneer and say yeah right, and continue on with trekking through the "lawn" that was infested with mole hills of my own creation.  

I worried constantly, and then worried about my worrying.  I was the perfect example of circular logic or a dog chasing its tail.  I used to make my parents frustrated because all they would hear from me was about my worries, over and over again; every day, wash, rinse and repeat.  

I was consumed by my worries!  If my hair was frizzy and didn't look right I thought I was ugly and worried about that.  If my beau said something off color to me, or teased me about something, I would worry that they really thought of me that way.  I'd worry about work, I'd worry about my cats, I'd worry about money, my car, how was I going to pay rent, whether or not my friends really liked me, was I really that shallow of a person, where was I going with my life, what did I want to do with myself, was I being a good daughter, were my parents proud of me; you get the idea. Pretty much anything that one can worry about I certainly did.  And my worries that started as mole hills escalated into insurmountable mountains!  I was a wreck, although I didn't know that and I carried on this way for years.  

Then one day, I really truly did have a realistic worry that was truly a mountain, that being my dad going into the hospital for what would be the last time.  To keep a long story short, my dad had a myriad of health issues that he dealt with for over 17 years.  He was a long time dialysis patient in kidney failure, he had a chronic heart condition, and emphysema.  Basically, anything that could go wrong with a human body did in his case.  Yet through each health issue he fought valiantly through it with truly a minimal bit of worry.  He overcame the issue; we all did.  It goes without saying that I also worried about my Dad's health all of the time.   

In 2010, when I was in fact faced with the biggest worrying event possible, instead of reverting to chasing my own tail and spinning out of control, I was calm and dealt with the facts as they arose.  After 17 years of fighting and overcoming the obstacles, my Dad was given some very hard news, and he bravely decided to stop health treatment.  We lost him a few days later when he was under the wonderful and amazing care of the Hospice facility. 

For some reason I wasn't worried about his passing.  For some very strange reason I was calm and accepting of something that was so utterly devastating.  I won't lie I was an emotional wreck after he died, but my Mom and I supported, loved and hugged each other through the dark places, and we both emerged from our grief missing my Dad terribly, but realizing that life must go on.  

That calmness and lack of worrying as stuck with me ever since.  Its weird, but in facing what was truly a mountain, and not a make believe one, it helped to teach me what is really important in this life.  So while I may feel myself reverting to my old worry habits from time to time, I just remember that calmness and embrace it as fully as I can.  I try not to worry about the small stuff as much, and my "lawn" is now almost free of mole hills.  I still have my crazy worry days from time to time, I guess its my gift to make mountains out of mole hills, but I have learned to not let those worries control me and to know the difference between the real mountain and the fake ones.  



Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Wolf Friendship


Wolf Friendship
The Retirement Home for Elderly Wolves was set in the farthest reaches of the wolf community, and only the wolves that could either afford the long trek or were especially dedicated pups would visit their parents and grandparents that were residents.  Wolfe never had any visitors.  He often felt that the entire wolfing community had forgotten his existence, even though he was one of its most infamous members; even more than that other wolf who happened to be full of hot air and had a distinct taste for pork.  No, Wolfe, was not surprised that he had become an outcast.  In fact, he could have predicted it, even before the events of that fateful day, when all he wanted was some simple friendship and maybe to ask a question of a little girl wearing a red hood.
Wolfe had always been a lone wolf among his kind.  Since his youth he disdained wolf packs and their resultant pack mentality.  He could never quite understand why wolves felt the desire to belong in a group that was based on your ranking within the pack and not based on mutual friendship and respect.  Wolfe knew instinctively that if he joined a pack he would rank as the Omega, the bottom most wolf, who would have to eke out his survival on the scraps left behind by the other higher ranking wolves.  He couldn’t have stood being ridiculed and the butt of the jokes from his fellow pack members.  So given Wolfe’s strong sense of individuality, independence and dislike for wolf packs, Wolfe decided to go it alone; which placed him on the fringe of wolf society.  During his youth, Wolfe explored far and wide in the forests and valleys that surrounded his home.
Wolfe was also different from his brethren, in that he was of a philosophical nature.  He always tried to learn the inner workings of the forest and the lives of the creatures living there.  Wolfe was full of questions and often spent days trying to communicate with the woodland creatures.  He wanted to know their thoughts on family, how they survived in the woods, and most importantly what they believed friendship meant; was true friendship based on mutual respect or simply your ranking in the group.  Yet, given that Wolfe was in fact a wolf, many of the animals he tried to speak with ran from him in fear before he could utter his first words to convey that he meant them no harm.  Wolfe spent many years in this fashion and only a few of the bravest woodland creatures would deign to converse with him, mainly bears, bobcats and panthers.  Wolfe’s knowledge grew and he began to wonder more about friendship; it was something he wanted to experience for himself. 
During his travels Wolfe also had opportunities to observe and study humans from a distance.  He watched them at work, at play and caring for their families.  He watched their interactions with each other that were often based on the respect and love that he envisioned as the true meaning of friendship.  Humans were independent, yet they decided to forge bonds with their families and friends by their own choice, which suited Wolfe’s beliefs.  He decided that he would like to speak to a human and ask them how they achieve such a state and what, their meaning of friendship was.  Yet, Wolfe knew that humans feared wolves, so he needed to devise a plan in which he could approach one in a non-threatening way.  Wolfe also believed that he could have a human as a friend, and by having that, his desire for friendship would be resolved, and he would have chosen it based on the respect and affection that he felt for humans, and not on the pack mentality and ranking that were practiced by his kind. 
It just so happened that one day Wolfe came across a cottage.  He was quite surprised to see a human dwelling this far out in the wilderness.   He stopped to observe the activities of the homestead for several days.  Wolfe was able to determine that an elderly woman lived alone in the cottage.   He heard her singing and talking to herself.  He learned that the woman had a young granddaughter that she loved beyond words, and that her granddaughter would be coming to visit her in the next few days.  Wolfe felt that this little girl was his best opportunity to form a friendship with a human.  After all, he had come to understand that it was the youngest of the species that were the most open to exploration and the impossible, and what was more impossible than a wolf approaching a human in friendship.   Wolfe believed that it had something to do with the young’s’ endless curiosity and sense of adventure; so he decided to use those traits to his advantage in trying to make friends with this young girl.  No matter how much Wolfe despised doing it, and believe me he did, he felt that he had to eat the elderly woman; dress in her night clothes and hide in her bed to await the arrival of the girl.  His reasoning for doing this horrible act was that he thought that it would be less traumatic and terrifying for the girl if he presented himself in something familiar like wearing her grandmother’s clothing.
Well, as the story goes, Wolfe’s intentions were not well received, and that little witch of a girl, that Red Riding Hood as it were, raised such a ruckus over Wolfe that her cries of alarm brought a nearby huntsman to the little whelp’s aide.   The huntsman and Wolfe fought relentlessly all while Wolfe tried to speak to the huntsman and the wench to tell them of his peaceful intentions and that he meant no harm.   The huntsman would hear none of it and after succeeding in knocking Wolfe unconscious; he pushed him down into a well to drown him.  Yet, another of Wolfe’s great talents was his ability to hold his breath for a long period of time.  Wolfe was awoken as soon as he hit the water.  He knew that his only chance of survival was to make the huntsman and girl think that he had drowned and wait for them to leave, which they eventually did.  As soon as the mean-spirited girl and murderous huntsman left, Wolfe extracted himself from the icy water, shook his coat and made for the woods where he licked his wounded pride and eventually returned home.  Wolfe, who had previously respected humans so much, began to despise them as much as he did wolf packs. 
That horrible child’s tale of Wolfe spread like wildfire throughout the human settlements, and soon the wolves in the community learned of Wolfe’s ultimate humiliation.  Wolfe, who refused to join a pack because of his fear of obtaining the lowliest rank and disdain for the wolf ways, realized his worst fears when he found that he had in fact obtained the lowest status possible due to his misadventures with that girl.  Wolfe became the laughing stock of the community.  No other wolf would approach him without sneering at him and mocking him for preying elderly humans who couldn’t defend themselves and denying his wolf nature by not joining a pack and remaining with his own kind.  His fellow wolves believed that Wolfe thought he was better than them by trying to seek friendship with humans.  Wolfe was humiliated and became very bitter.   He moved out into the far reaches of the wolf community and lived on his own; his dreams of true friendship and understanding were forever dashed.
As Wolf reached his elderly years he could no longer maintain his solitary life and he became a member of the Retirement Community for Elderly Wolves.  By now enough time had passed that Wolfe was no longer mocked as incessantly and he experienced a calm, almost happy existence.  Wolfe passed away one night alone and friendless. 
Yet, some remnant of Wolfe survived when wolves recounted his story to their pups as a lesson to not mix with humans because they will only try to hurt you.  But mostly in retelling Wolfe’s tale they were trying to teach a lesson that friendship is different among humans and wolves.  To a wolf being in a pack is a high honor.  Each pack member plays an integral part in the friendship, bonding, and love that the wolf pack maintains.  Wolfe believed himself to be a loner, when in fact, no wolf is an island, and being a member of a pack is the best form of friendship that a wolf can ever have.