Thursday, May 30, 2013

Petulance

Petulance
There is a petulant child residing inside my head, and that child is me.  No matter what I do to try to coax her into action, either with soft words, treats, begging pleas, or yelling; she sits there tautly, arms crossed shaking her head, and saying “No” repeatedly.  I am just about at my wits end with this child, which is me.  What do you want for dinner, I think.  No idea, I respond.  I can’t seem to make up my mind on something as simple as that.  Never mind more major decisions like what to take out of the closet to wear to work.  I’m literally numb and frozen in my inability to make a decision, and frankly I hate it.  That petulant child is what I picture in my mind’s eye as being the cause of this internal melodrama.  She is the source of my inability to think and act clearly and decisively.  The only problem is why is she here?  I cannot think of any cause that would justify her presence.  My life is happy, my family is well, and I am humbly grateful for all that the good Lord as seen fit to send my way, so then why this internal strife and suffering?  Why do I castigate myself for every misstep, every wrong thought, and allow my worries about nonsensical things consume me so?  Why as this little child decided to come into my mind and plant her plump bottom in the middle of the clutter that is my brain? 

I enjoy writing, I enjoy playing games, and I enjoy reading.  Writing especially brings me a sense of peace and repose.  It provides an outlet for the endless chatter that echoes through the halls of my mind.  I helps to ease my anxiety and worry in a way that is better than any medicine a doctor may prescribe.  Yet when I begin to pressure myself to write more, to take a more definite action to pursuing it, I freeze and that petulant child who was happily playing in the corner raises her brilliant blue eyes and I can see the tension arising in her as she stares at me.  Out she marches, saying “No” repeatedly and sulks as I try to prod her out of the way.  The more I try to force her to move the more she resists; she is a stubborn girl I’ll give her that.  But then again, she is me! 

This ongoing back and forth between my adult self and my child self is driving me crazy and this inner turmoil spills over the dams and floods into the other unrelated areas of my life.  I begin to think that I am missing out on something; there is more that I can offer both for myself and those around me; I begin to doubt myself, my purpose, and what it really all means!.  Everything is colored in gray and dulled as I try to reason with this child, myself. 

I have much to be thankful for, a loving boyfriend who is my partner and better half; a mother who is my best friend and guiding light in my life; a job that brings me immense satisfaction and I enjoy doing.  I am grateful for these things in my life, and humbled that I have been so blessed; yet it still feels like there is something more that I can be doing, should be doing, and therein lies my melodrama, and that petulant child, that road block, is certainly not giving me any answers when I peg her with questions of why she is her and just what the hell she wants, but then again there sometimes can be no reasoning with a child when they in the middle of a tantrum.  So where does that leave me?


Thursday, May 2, 2013

The Person I Admire Most


A common writing assignment that is given in school is to write an essay about a person, either historical or fictional, that you admire.  I always groaned when this assignment was given because I felt that it was just busy work assigned by my teacher and there really weren't any people that I admired.  Yet now, as I have grown older, I reflect back and I can see how such a droll assignment can actually serve a good purpose.  So here I am a grown woman sitting down to write an essay about the person I most admire, voluntarily and excitedly.  The person that I admire most in this world is not historical, thankfully, or fictional, although she would make one hell of a character, but is a living breathing person who just happens to be my mother.  My mother’s name is Gloria.

My mom has graced us with her presence for an undetermined period of time; her actual age is a highly guarded national secret.  Although I can account for a certain period of time since she did bring me into this world I still can’t even guess at her age since my own age is unknown even to me.  I guess this is just so her secret will remain safe.  My mom is a petite woman, who, if I may be candid, is absolutely beautiful.  I'm quite proud of that because those wonderful genes also course through my veins.  She may be petite, but her character and vivacious personality, are quite large and in charge.

To use my mom's favorite phrase to describe herself, she is fierce.  Over the years, she has been called the dragon lady due to the flames she breathes when angered, the tiger lady due to her protective nature, and the hammer for crashing through obstacles in her path and beating sense into people who are being dense, namely me.  While these descriptions may be true and describe certain aspects of my mom’s personality, they do not accurately describe the full, deep and complex woman that is Gloria.

The depth of my mom's soul is breathtaking.  She is an “old soul,” sorry Mom, who has experienced so much life and has such wisdom that it amazes me.  Regardless of life's harshness, my mom remains compassionate, loving, and empathetic to others.  She is selfless, generous in time and spirit, and immensely intelligent.  She is also fiercely loyal and protective of her friends and family.  I have several stories of her standing up for me against bullies and idiotic boyfriends.  She has always been there to save my ass when the proverbial stuff hit the fan, no matter the cost or situation.  I admire these traits so much because they show her determination, her immense ability to love deeply and strongly, and her inner steel that has been forged by many fires over the years.

My mom also has a wicked sense of humor and loves to laugh.  Humor has saved her, and me, many times over the years.  "Oh my dog," a line spoken by a talking cat from a YouTube video, always sends her into instant peals of laughter.  I also pride myself on having the ability to send my mom into instant giggle fits.  One time I remember sitting with her in a quiet, darkened theater being absolutely bored to tears by the pianist playing on stage; all it took was for me to start making faces and mimicking the piano player and a rather loud giggle fit ensued.  The only cure was to bury her head into her friend's jacket as our fellow audience members glared and shushed us.

Mom has an extremely dry wit, and only those that are in the know usually get her references and jokes.  She is cynical to a fault, but uses this in a humorous way to bring out the lightness of even the toughest situations to make them just a little more bearable.  My mom’s quick wit also gives her the talent to create imaginary marriages between people with odd last names to create a great punch line.  An example would be Mr. Grand married Ms. Old Time and together they were Mr. and Mrs. Grand Old Time.  I’m also quite proud of the fact that my mom can curse like a drunken sailor.  The cause for these cursing streaks is usually me, her pain in the ass daughter, and she holds the record for working the f-word into one sentence nine times and having it make sense.  That's my mom for you!

She is also known as Mother Earth for her natural talent to commune with animals of all kinds; her favorites being cats and squirrels.  If there is an animal in need it will find her.  She is probably the only person I know who has had a stray lovebird land on her shoulder while she was outside smoking at lunch.  She had no idea where this little bird came from, but one thing she did know was that it was coming home with her that night.  The bird remained with us until our cats tried to assassinate him one to many times.  It has since moved on to a more bird friendly home.  My mom is also a “peanut dealer” to a whole dray of squirrels at her office.  No matter where she is any animals in the vicinity will make their way to her, cats, birds, squirrels, rodents, lizards, and even ants.  I personally think, no make that know, that she is in constant communication with St. Francis, the patron saint of animals and also the guardian of our family. 

I guess the one downside of her animal talents is that insects are also drawn to her, usually in her car, and she usually discovers them while driving.  I remember her story of the big black spider that decided to make its presence known by crawling down the car door as she was getting in during a wicked rain storm.  Let’s just say the umbrella ate the spider!  Or the time when lizards, frogs and ants decided to hitch a ride with her on her way to work; thankfully this “plague” did not happen all at once, but close enough to cause her to carry a bottle of raid with her whenever she approached the car.  Every talent has its drawbacks right.

I also admire my mom for not backing down or folding when times get hard, she is made of steel.  As family we have faced many challenges over the years, but it has been my mom that has carried us, usually kicking and screaming, out of the muck and helped to us make sense of it all. She has also saved my butt many times.  For some reason she never stops believing in me even after I have made some royally stupid mistakes.  I cannot count how many times that I have sat with her and cried and moaned over my troubles, and she was there to support, yell at, and cajole me out of funk.

Needless to say my mom is an extremely fierce woman whom I love so very much.  She has helped me to become the woman that I am today, usually through sheer force of will on her part since I'm so damned stubborn.  She has taught me how to take care of myself and to stand up for what I believe in.  Yet, most importantly, she has taught me to love deeply, laugh often and live each day to its fullest.  I hope that one day I can achieve the beauty, class, grace, wisdom, and love that she embodies so effortlessly; and these are the reasons why the person I most admire is my mom who is one hell of a lady.