Petulance

Petulance

There is a petulant child who resides in my head, and that child is me.  No matter what I do to try to coax her into action, either with soft words, treats, begging pleas, or yelling; she sits there tautly, arms crossed shaking her head, and saying “No” repeatedly.  I am just about at my wits end with this child, which is me.  What do you want for dinner, I think.  No idea, I respond.  I can’t seem to make up my mind on something as simple as that.  Never mind more major decisions like what to take out of the closet to wear to work.  I’m literally numb and frozen in my inability to make a decision, and frankly I hate it.  That petulant child is what I picture in my mind’s eye as being the cause of this internal melodrama.  She is the source of my inability to think and act clearly and decisively.  The only problem is why is she here?  I cannot think of any cause that would justify her presence.  My life is happy, my family is well, and I am humbly grateful for all that the good Lord as seen fit to send my way, so then why this internal strife and suffering?  Why do I castigate myself for every misstep, every wrong thought, and allow my worries about nonsensical things consume me so?  Why has this little child decided to come into my mind and plant her plump little bottom in the middle of the clutter that is my brain? 

I enjoy writing, I enjoy playing games, and I enjoy reading.  Writing especially brings me a sense of peace and repose.  It provides an outlet for the endless chatter that echoes through the halls of my mind.  It  helps to ease my anxiety and worry in a way that is better than any medicine a doctor may prescribe.  Yet when I begin to pressure myself to write more, to take a more definite action in pursuing it, I freeze and that petulant child who was happily playing in the corner raises her brilliant blue eyes and I can see the tension rising in her as she stares at me.  Out she marches, saying “No” repeatedly and sulks as I try to prod her out of the way.  The more I try to force her to move the more she resists; she is a stubborn girl I’ll give her that.  But then again, she is me! 

This ongoing back and forth between my adult self and my child self is driving me crazy and this inner turmoil spills over the dams and floods into the other unrelated areas of my life.  I begin to think that I am missing out on something; there is more that I can offer both to myself and those around me; I begin to doubt myself, my purpose, and what it all really means!.  Everything is colored in gray and dulled as I try to reason with this child, myself. 

I have much to be thankful for, a loving boyfriend who is my partner and better half; a mother who is my best friend and guiding light in life; a job that brings me immense satisfaction and that I enjoy doing.  I am grateful for these things in my life, and humbled that I have been so blessed; yet it still feels like there is something more that I can be doing, should be doing, and therein lies my melodrama, and that petulant child, that road block, who is certainly not giving me any answers when I peg her with questions of why she is her and just what the hell she wants, but then again there sometimes can be no reasoning with a child, who is me, when they are in the middle of a tantrum.  So where does that leave me?

Surroundings

Surroundings

I typically run through my day at top speed, not paying attention to my surroundings unless something odd catches my eye or I crash into it.  However, lately I have tried to slow down and start looking at the world around me.  In doing so I have been seeing things that are memorable and make me smile.  Today was the first morning when I started paying attention to my surrounds on my way to work and I saw some pretty amazing things.

                As I was pulling out of my garage this morning I saw an elderly golden retriever strolling down the street unattended by a human.  I paused to make sure that he made it safely across the street.  I didn’t approach him because I knew that he was only one door down from his house and was simply out exploring his territory, yet seeing him idly moving along without a care in the world made me wonder what would the world be like if the world was ruled by dogs.  I had the idea that it would be much calmer, more playful, and prone to long bouts of self-attention, if you catch my meaning. 

As I continued down my street I saw two more dogs standing on the sidewalk appearing as if they were in deep conversation about the weather or the growth in their garden.  I smiled yet again because maybe this was proof that I had in fact woken up in an alternate dog-ruled universe.  Then as I looked in my rear view mirror I saw the human standing close by the dogs and man’s dominance in the world was reaffirmed.

                Then as I turned off my street onto the main thoroughfare in Safety Harbor I saw a troop of Ibises rooting in the grass for their morning meal.  The rising sunlight glimmered off of their white wings and gave them a softly glowing brightness.  They looked like small aliens that had landed and were taking soil samples.  They marched in in perfect precision as they scoured every inch of he the ground for their breakfast. 

As I traveled away from the congregation of ibises I saw a lone egret standing perfectly still with one leg raised and moving its head back and forth as it was zeroing in on its target.  Egrets are very beautiful and statuesque.  I can’t help but grin when I see them because they seem like they would be so clumsy with their long legs, giraffe like neck and large wings, but they surprise you when they strike their prey with absolute precision, and then gracefully they take off in flight with their wings outstretched and long legs flowing behind them.

                As I proceeded onto the Courtney Campbell Causeway which is a bridge across the Tampa Bay, I looked around me and saw how dead calm the water was.  It’s unnerving to be driving on a small stretch of pavement at high speeds while surrounded by deep water.  Unsettling as it may be, but it can also calming.  On my daily commutes across the bridge I have witnessed dolphins swimming in the shallows and water birds galore flying overhead.  Unfortunately I wasn’t privy to any animal sightings this morning, but I did see a young couple embracing on the beach.  They stood closely together with lips touching as they watched yet another Florida sunrise.  I couldn’t help but be reminded of how pure love can truly be. 

                As I was exiting the bridge I saw perhaps that strangest sight of my morning trip.  I saw a small red balloon playing in traffic on the Courtney Campbell Causeway.  There was no obvious explanation as to how it could have gotten there, but there it was softly bouncing off fenders and hoods as traffic flew by at 50 miles an hour.  The cynic in me is sure that the balloon eventually got stuck under a tire and punctured, but I do hope that the little red balloon will still be bouncing away in traffic as I drive home tonight.

                The rest of my journey to the office was uneventful.  Yet as I pulled into my parking spaces those images still stuck in my memory and I smiled.  My day began to seem a little brighter and there is a bounce in my step.  I can see how paying attention to my surroundings can pay off; instead of being wrapped up in myself these small images in my surrounding help me to appreciate the life that is thriving around me.  

Life is full of beautiful things, however I think our perspective on what is beautiful has become slightly skewed.  Instead of seeing the beauty within, we search for the beauty without.  We are worried about our waistlines, crows feet, wrinkles, and wardrobes.  We search for beautiful pieces of art or furniture to decorate our homes.  We try to surround ourselves with things that we think of as beautiful, which will somehow elevate our status in life, or oddly enough, our feelings of self-worth.  This, to me, is the wrong type of beauty to look for.  Beauty is not a material object, nor is it something that can be obtained, or how much you put yourself into debt for trying to improve your outer beauty.

To me, beauty is in each and every one of us.  We have souls, wisdom, compassion and empathy.  Those are beautiful.  The sound of laughter coming from smiling lips is beautiful.  Witnessing a loving glance between a couple is beautiful.  Seeing a mother and her child sitting with heads close together is downright stunning, or watching a child give their father butterfly kisses is painfully breathtaking.  Looking into the eyes of our fellow humans and seeing them for their inner strength and struggle over life's daily struggles is awe inspiring; just the shear fact that none of us have laid down and said I give up, game over, that we continue to muddle through life, is amazing.

These are just a few examples of the inner beauty that is within all of us.  It goes without saying the sheer magnitude and wondrous images that surround us in nature as well, but that kind of beauty speaks for itself, its the beauty within each of us that I seek out the most.

In Memory of Homer The Blind Wondercat

We lost a little piece of heaven this past Wednesday.  We lost a wonderful feline who spoke volumes to those who read his human, Gwen's, words, and shared their story.  Homer was the name of this little cat who changed the world.  He raised awareness for the plight of special needs cats, and helped an untold number of these animals find their way into their forever homes.  Homer's human, cat guardian, friend, and love was Gwen.  Gwen was brave enough to open her life to us and share the wonderful story of how she saved Homer from certain abandonment and most likely death.  She rescued Homer, just as he in turn rescued her.  Homer was, and will always, be a very special cat, he changed Gwen's life, and he also changed the lives of those who read Gwen's words, and listened to their story.  

I wept when I read the news of Homer's passing, and my heart broke for Gwen and her family's pain.  I never had the pleasure of meeting Homer or Gwen, but by reading her words, I came to know them and love them as my own friends.  Its funny how truly small the world has become with the internet, facebook and the like.  Gwen created a community around her and Homer; a community that loves her and supports her.  By sharing their story, Gwen also shared Homer with the rest of the world, and many the world over accepted and loved them with open arms.  

Homer spoke to the best that is within each of us.  He was a beautiful reminder of what is good, brave, loving and honorable in this world.  It may seem strange for me to mourn for this cat and human that I never met, but I know it truly isn't because my heart knows and loves them, and we have met in the eyes of every other pet lover that we are fortunate enough to meet.  Homer will be missed, and forever cherished, as will his family, Gwen, Lawrence, Clayton and Fanny.  We, your friends and "pet"family love you and are sending strength and support to you.  Homer will be missed, but never forgotten!

Dearest Gwen, I am so very sorry for your loss. My heart is breaking for you and your family as I sit here reading your beautiful words and tribute to such a wondrous, glorious shining creature like Homer. I read your story two years ago when I was going through an extremely hard time in my own life, and your words, Homer's strength and both of your enduring courage gave me the hope and faith to face life once again. Homer's whiskers brushed my face as I cried silent tears as I mourned my father's passing, and your lessons and discoveries in sharing such an endless, boundless love with Homer gave me the hugs and love that I needed to move on and re-engage in my life, and try to fill in the void that became me after I lost my dad. You and Homer helped spark me back to life! I fell in love with Homer and felt like an extremely small part of his beauty and rambunctiousness was mine as well. I want to thank you from the very bottom of my heart for sharing your story. I know words cannot even convey what you are feeling right now, but please know that not only was Homer loved and shared with the world, but so are you! We all love you Gwen, and we all surround you and support you in your time of need. I have no other advice to offer, no words to help ease the pain, other than we are here, we love you and while it may never be easy the pain will lesson in time. Homer is with you, he will always be with you, and you are not alone. Thank you for saving such a glorious creature, and thank you for sharing his and your story with the world. You are an amazing, shining example of what the love of an animal can do for us all. You both make the world a hell of a lot brighter and more hopeful and for that I am in your debt. Rest easy Homer, you will be forever missed, and forever loved and cherished. You are in my thought Gwen, and always will be!

This is a piece I wrote after reading Homer's Odyssey:

Cats are mystical, almost unworldly animals.  They deign to allow us to share their homes and bask in their glory.  Those people who have been gifted by being chosen by a cat to be their human know that to have a relationship with a feline is to have a relationship with a being the can operate on another plane of existence.  Cats are unique creatures that confuse and confound the best of us.  They truly embody Winston Churchill’s great saying, “they are an enigma, wrapped inside a conundrum, inside a mystery.”

Cats can lounge for hours in what appears to be a comatose state, and the suddenly and without warning leap up and bolt away as if the hounds of hell were on their tails.  They will always win a staring contest.  They have mastered the ability to look at a being with absolute impunity and leave them feeling lesser.  Cats play with utter abandon and joy with a box, bag, or some other human refuse.  We spend large sums of money buying cat toys to entertain our felines, and approach them with these gifts as if we are bringing tributes to a god.  Yet, no matter the sums spent, a cat will usually prefer the toys wrapper and thoroughly ignore its contents.  Cats can hunt non-existent entities for hours on end.  They chatter non-stop at the birds and squirrels that visit outside their windows.  Most impressively, they are capable of outdoing Superman by leaping over objects in a single bound, zooming through the house at near lightning speed, and dodging human’s hands that try to catch them with the greatest of ease.  In short, they are capable of amazing feats and no matter how many cats you’ve owned, you are often left in awe of just what these furry felines are capable of.  These attributes aside, a cat’s greatest ability is their emotional sensitivity to the humans around them. 

Cats know instinctually whether their human is sad, angry, bursting with happiness, or just simply pondering the meaning of life, and are able to articulate their own mood and actions around their human’s need; whether it be a nudge of support, a playful kitten-like show, or just simply the comforting sound of their purring next to them.  Somehow these beautiful creatures know what is needed before their human even arrives in their presence.  It is as if somehow our cats are tied to us spiritually, emotionally and psychically, even when we are not in the same location with them.  I know that my two frisky felines have surprised me many times over with their ability to just know. 

The emotional bond between a cat and its human is a thing of beauty.  Any pet, but in my opinions, cats particularly represent the highest ideals of unconditional love and the good that it can create it the world.  Cats have the uncanny ability to worm their way into our hearts and souls and become an indelible part in the fabric of our lives. 

No matter your view on felines, there are those creatures that stand out and draw attention to the greatness of their kind.  Aside from my two felines, whom I love dearly, deeply and fiercely, I have to admit that reading Gwen Cooper’s story Homer's Odyssey about her little boy Homer made me take pause.  The fact that this blind cat has not let his disability stop him from living his life to its fullest, to explore fearlessly, and even protect his human from a burglar in the dead of the night is a tribute to the greatness, unconditional love, and inherent joy that can be found in all cats that live on this earth.  If those traits can reside unabashedly in a small, fearless feline, and inspire his human to see her own life differently and teach her about the greatness of a life well lived no matter the challenges, than Homer should serve as an inspiration to all of us.  I know that my two companions, Padauan and LB, have inspired me, brought me hours of laughter, joy and comfort throughout our seven years together, just as Homer, a cat I have only known through someone else’s words has also inspired me.  My girls, and also Homer, have given me the courage to see my own odyssey through new, clearer eyes, though while my eyes may not glimmer with the depth of a cat’s, they hopefully mirror some small fragment of their joy, unconditional love and spirit.

What America Means To Me!

What America Means to Me...

Star spangled, red and white
Apple pie and amber waves of grain
Mothers and daughters, fathers and sons
Raising families in safety in a nation of might

True unadulterated freedom reaching from sea to shining sea
Trips to the moon, shining cities on the hill
and fireworks blazing through the night

Soldiers protection from the dark
Proud marines on the march
Greatness and brotherly love
Never backing down from a fight

Freedom of speech and due process
A free economy, and ample opportunities
Living with integrity and honor
Having kindness and compassion for others

The realization that we are all Americans
One nation, under God, blessed with wisdom and insight
This is what America means to me!

Happy Birthday to one hell of a great nation!

Things That Enter By Way of Silence

There are many things, both real and emotional, that enter into our lives silently:

The disturbed air moving from a kiss blown by a daughter to her father;

Soft, silent cat paws strolling through the house to greet their beloved human as they arrive home;

Sunlight glimmering over the horizon at the dawn of a new day;

A strong, bonded love that does not need words to convey the depth of the emotion;

Arms encircling you from behind in a hug of friendship and support;

Earned respect that develops between two equals;

The grace and power that shines from the eyes of a lion gazing across the savannah;

Butterfly wings brushing against rose petals as it seeks out the nectar from the bloom;

The mouthing of "I love you," by your lover from across the room;

The subtle approach of death as it approaches us all;

A soft spring breeze that tickles the leaves, seen but not heard;

Moonlight glistening on the calm water, and the moon's reflection dancing across it;

Birds in flight as they migrate home in the spring;

The unbreakable bond forged between a mother and her child at the moment of birth;

Laughter and mirth shining in the eyes of a close friend;

The honor of a solider as they stand proudly defending our nation;

The twinkling lights of distant stars across the night's sky like a billion diamonds;

The earth's rotation as we habitat our pale blue dot in a vast, endless universe;

The development of faith in a higher power and a belief in the greater good of man;

Smoke emerging from a warm fire burning merrily on the hearth;

Anvil shaped clouds exploding upwards before a thunderstorm;

The currents of the ocean as they travel around the planet;

Cotton candy clouds floating lazily across the sky on a hot summer's day;

Snow falling to the earth;

A parent's warmth as they nestle their child on dark nights;

The arising sense of feeling secure and at ease in our own skin;

Leaves turning from verdant greens to their golden hues as fall approaches;

Patience with an ever chaotic world;

Grace and goodwill towards our fellow men and women.

Review of Worm by Mark Bowden

Worm: The First Digital World War: This is a non-fiction account written by Mark Bowden about the Conficker Worm that stalked the internet in 2008 and created the biggest botnet to date. Bowden has a wonderful ability to take the complex subject of the Internet and malware and explain it in a way that is easily understood. I read this book and actually learned something about how the Internet works. Worm tells the story of a group of "X-men" who banded together to try to confine the Conficker Worm before it threatened to take down the entire Internet. This book documents their steps to contain the worm and the worm's creators moves to outwit them and make Conficker stronger and harder to destroy. This is ultimately a story about the battle between good versus evil, which is something we can all understand. I loved this book because I actually learned about the Internet and how it is truly the greatest invention ever created. I think this book is right for anyone who is curious about the inner workings of the Internet and who doesn't want to be bored to death or who just loves a well-written story of the good guys battling the bad guys. I know that I now appreciate the Internet and those who defend it a lot more!