Mountains Out of Mole Hills

Mountains Out of Mole Hills

For many years, I was extremely talented in making mountains out of mole hills.  In fact, my Mom would always tease me and say that I was making too much of an issue out of something that really wasn't that big of one.  I would always sneer and say yeah right, and continue on with trekking through the "lawn" that was infested with mole hills of my own creation.  

I worried constantly, and then worried about my worrying.  I was the perfect example of circular logic or a dog chasing its tail.  I used to make my parents frustrated because all they would hear from me was about my worries, over and over again; every day, wash, rinse and repeat.  

I was consumed by my worries!  If my hair was frizzy and didn't look right I thought I was ugly and worried about that.  If my beau said something off color to me, or teased me about something, I would worry that they really thought of me that way.  I'd worry about work, I'd worry about my cats, I'd worry about money, my car, how was I going to pay rent, whether or not my friends really liked me, was I really that shallow of a person, where was I going with my life, what did I want to do with myself, was I being a good daughter, were my parents proud of me; you get the idea. Pretty much anything that one can worry about I certainly did.  And my worries that started as mole hills escalated into insurmountable mountains!  I was a wreck, although I didn't know that and I carried on this way for years.  

Then one day, I really truly did have a realistic worry that was truly a mountain, that being my dad going into the hospital for what would be the last time.  To keep a long story short, my dad had a myriad of health issues that he dealt with for over 17 years.  He was a long time dialysis patient in kidney failure, he had a chronic heart condition, and emphysema.  Basically, anything that could go wrong with a human body did in his case.  Yet through each health issue he fought valiantly through it with truly a minimal bit of worry.  He overcame the issue; we all did.  It goes without saying that I also worried about my Dad's health all of the time.   

In 2010, when I was in fact faced with the biggest worrying event possible, instead of reverting to chasing my own tail and spinning out of control, I was calm and dealt with the facts as they arose.  After 17 years of fighting and overcoming the obstacles, my Dad was given some very hard news, and he bravely decided to stop health treatment.  We lost him a few days later when he was under the wonderful and amazing care of the Hospice facility. 

For some reason I wasn't worried about his passing.  For some very strange reason I was calm and accepting of something that was so utterly devastating.  I won't lie I was an emotional wreck after he died, but my Mom and I supported, loved and hugged each other through the dark places, and we both emerged from our grief missing my Dad terribly, but realizing that life must go on.  

That calmness and lack of worrying as stuck with me ever since.  Its weird, but in facing what was truly a mountain, and not a make believe one, it helped to teach me what is really important in this life.  So while I may feel myself reverting to my old worry habits from time to time, I just remember that calmness and embrace it as fully as I can.  I try not to worry about the small stuff as much, and my "lawn" is now almost free of mole hills.  I still have my crazy worry days from time to time, I guess its my gift to make mountains out of mole hills, but I have learned to not let those worries control me and to know the difference between the real mountain and the fake ones.